Confidence is the New Sexy – What do you think?

When I was in my 30’s I worked in a shop with a young man in his 20’s. This young man was handsome, friendly, intelligent and a lot of fun. This young man was also mesmerised by one of our customers. 

The customer was a young women in her 20’s. She was a little bit chubby and wore tight fitting jeans. She also wore a short t-shirt so her belly, which was a bit big for her jeans, was showing. This was the normal fashion at the time. There were other girls, customers, with jeans that fit, who wore this fashion but this young boy didn’t seem to notice them. He only wanted to flirt with one girl, the one with the jeans that didn’t seem to quite fit her. 

She was a lovely girl, friendly and polite, however I still wanted to know what could he see in her that he couldn’t see in the others? I had become friends with this young man, so I asked him. “Oh that is easy” he replied. “She has confidence.”

I asked him to explain further. He said he liked this young women because she was confident enough to not hide her belly. She was comfortable in her own skin and he liked that. He told me that a women who shows confidence is sexy, that this is more important than anything else. He told me that women who ooze confidence without arrogance, without being full of themselves, will always attract the most men and keep their man. 

I have since been fascinated with the topic of confidence and I have often wondered, how much does confidence have to do with our sex appeal?

Now I am no expert on what men find attractive but I will say that I believe there is truth in this. I believe the same applies to the attractiveness of men. The majority of women want their man to be confident. 

I want to know what you think. 

Do you think that confidence equals sexy? 

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Kama Frankling

Why almost stress free? Because being completely stress free would mean trying to live a perfect life … and well, that sounds a bit stressful.

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41 Responses to Confidence is the New Sexy – What do you think?

  1. Roy A Ackerman,PhD,EA September 25, 2012 at 10:22 pm #

    I am not sure that it’s confidence that makes the “sexy” grade.
    To use your example, is it sexy for someone to wear clothes that may not be appropriate for them? I consider a few women I know who wear their blouses with many a button undone. Yes, they have nice figures (OK, perhaps, even voluptuous), but I also know that at least two of these women are insecure. They choose to wear their clothes in this fashion so they will be noticed, which is how they feel is best to overcome their insecurity.

    • Kama September 25, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

      Valid point Roy. I wonder in most cases if a person is truly confident, or not confident at all, whether this shines through regardless of what the person is wearing?

  2. Maureen | Orgasmic Chef September 25, 2012 at 10:25 pm #

    We’ve owned a large dating website for over 15 years and I can quite confidently say yes to your question. The men who come on and talk about life, what they want to do, what they’ve accomplished and appear to feel really good about themselves walk away with the prize. The ones who write an ad that says, “I’m lonely” seem to languish in no-man’s land (or perhaps that’s no-woman land).

    Most of our members are over 35 but I think it’s still relevant.

    • Kama September 25, 2012 at 10:56 pm #

      Thank you for your comment, how interesting to have been able to observe this over time and see the same results. Did you find there was a boundary of confidence, were some men too confident?

    • Amy Putkonen September 26, 2012 at 10:14 am #

      Totally agree on the “I’m lonely” plight being a bit of a turn off.

    • Amy Putkonen September 26, 2012 at 10:18 am #

      I agree, too. I think confidence is very sexy. Confidence says that they know that they are good without having to spray it all over the place. Insecurity has people primping and prodding and making sure they look good and it ends up being the opposite.

      • Kama September 26, 2012 at 6:17 pm #

        Yes and time consuming :)

  3. Carol McNeill September 25, 2012 at 10:39 pm #

    I once knew a girl who was drop-dead gorgeous. When she walked into the room, men just stopped talking and drooled. She had more dates than anyone I ever knew. First dates. But after the first date, they never asked her out again. Why? Because she was always checking her hair and makeup in the mirror, saying things like, “Do I look ok?” “Is this dress too casual?” or “Oh, my hair is awful!” On dinner dates, she picked at her food, wasting most of it, as she whined about her stringent diet to maintain her figure. And forget rolling down the car windows or putting the top down on a beautiful night…it would mess up her hair. She needed constant praise…constant reassurance. Her lack of self confidence was a definite turn-off. Confidence = Sexy!

    • Kama September 25, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

      Thank you carol. Yes I have witnessed similar situations. Just because a person is attractive doesn’t mean they are confident. I wonder if we forget that sometimes and expect them to be?

  4. ToscaSac September 26, 2012 at 12:38 am #

    Confidence is not always shown by how we look or what we wear.

    I tried to explain to my daughter that there are women so ashamed of their bodies they never let their husband see them naked. This would not be so bad if men were not visually stimulated.

    No on wants to be with someone who does not, as your post mentioned, feel comfortable in their own skin.

    Especially in western culture we admire the bold.

    • Kama September 26, 2012 at 6:00 pm #

      Thank you for your comment. That is true confidence doesn’t always show in the way someone dresses, confidence comes from within.

  5. The Great Gordino September 26, 2012 at 4:22 am #

    Does confidence=sexy?

    You do hit the nail on the head when you make the distinction between confident and arrogant. Arrogant is not sexy, well not for me…so I don’t find women attractive who walk around ‘dolled up’

    I’ve always been attracted to women that can talk confidently – about themselves or anything else. I have had it said about me that my confidence was attractive, which considering the state of my face is a good thing!

    • Kama September 26, 2012 at 6:09 pm #

      Arrogance is really not attractive is it, for most anyway. I have found that arrogance can quickly turn in to controlling. I find confidence with a dose of gentlemen the most attractive in a man.

  6. Lena September 26, 2012 at 6:48 am #

    Yes, absolutely. I think we’re all attracted to confident people as long as they’re not arrogant. And usually confident people have good posture, like to take care of themselves and have a good image, so they also look more sexy ;)

    • Kama September 26, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

      Thank you Lena, good point :)

  7. Vanessa Bushell September 26, 2012 at 7:54 am #

    I believe it totally does!!!! I’m having the weirdest experiences where I’m larger than I have ever been as an adult (except when I’ve been pregnant) due to a thyroid condition but suddenly everyone thinks I’m incredibly sexy!!!! But the weird thing is that those times was when I went to a cuddle party and was in an amazing happy, confident space and had no thought of meeting anyone (and then of course I met this guy who thinks I’m incredibly sexy) and recently at The Joining where I was feeling open hearted, confident and relaxed in myself. Not only the guy at the cuddle party (Paul, who’s now my partner) but also other men and women at The Joining told me that I’m sexy!!!! Confidence is central to sexual attraction… a pure, embodied, radiant, self-assurance that holds a deep knowing inside that we are all beautiful, including myself!!!

    Great post
    Lots of love

    • Kama September 26, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

      Thank you for sharing that with us Nessie. What a great feeling that must be. What a lucky man Paul is! As someone who loves you, I can tell you, they are right, you are BEAUTIFUL and SEXY!!!! Oh and a great friend x

  8. natalie September 26, 2012 at 11:16 am #

    Yes, it is one key component for being sexy. It really has nothing to do with the clothes, it is the whole package. There is something very attractive about someone who is confident and it shows in their conversation, the body language, their lightness and smile. Can non-confident people be sexy too? Yes, but if they want to be engaging as well then confidence is what is needed.

    • Kama September 26, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

      Fabulous comment Natalie, Thank you. I agree it does show in the conversation and body language, it shines through the exterior.

  9. Priska September 26, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

    Inner confidence is appealing. People with this have no need to ‘strut their stuff’ to draw attention to being confident.

    • Kama September 26, 2012 at 6:20 pm #

      So true :)

  10. katrina September 26, 2012 at 5:58 pm #

    I have a girl friend who is certainly not beautiful and sexy in the normal context, in fact she really has hard features and says she looks kinda ferret like but what she has is confidence in herself and what and who she is….and the men go nuts for her

  11. katie September 26, 2012 at 6:48 pm #

    Kama, you articulate things that are not easy to put into words so well. YES. 100%. You’ve helped me see what I know and feel, for myself and for how I react to others. You are so, so “onto” big stuff in your posts. What you describe is in many ways the “missing link” to love, happiness and success. It’s free but it can take a lot of time and struggle to get to. So, for me, the next question is, what builds this undeniably mesmerizing trait? And you talk about that in other posts. Thank you for your simple, awesome insights.

    • Kama September 26, 2012 at 7:31 pm #

      Thank you Katie for your comment and lovely words. Uncovering confidence is simple but not easy. I say uncover rather than find because I believe we all have confidence within us somewhere. I will be writing a lot more on this topic. You can start with my free 50 page e-book which you can find on my homepage

  12. Hari Kotrotsios September 26, 2012 at 7:29 pm #

    It’s definitely the men and women who are naturally relaxed, easygoing, conversational and confident in themselves who attract other people’s interest, regardless of how they dress.
    Although much of the media/advertising project the image that it’s the external ‘looks’ that are sexy, people are quickly turned off by those who are insecure or arrogant.
    It’s good to see that we’re looking beyond just people’s looks.

    • Kama September 26, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

      Thank you Hari, I wonder if the media and advertising will catch up eventually?

  13. Karen Buttery September 28, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

    Hi Kama, I agree with Hari there is so much pressure in the media to be a certain image but as you get older you realise that it is much deeper than the looks. I think men are attractive who are funny, friendly and impulsive. This is much more attractive to me than if they look like a supermodel as it is so superficial. Most people the media perceive to be the most attractive are usually the most messed up and insecure. If they are that concerned about themselves, they will never have the time to focus on a relationship. Great Blog by the way.

    • Kama September 28, 2012 at 9:09 pm #

      Thank you Karen, I like you last sentence “If they are that concerned about themselves, they will never have the time to focus on a relationship” Good point!

  14. Kim DeCina September 28, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

    Confidence is absolutely sexy! It’s not the only thing – I look for a sense of humor, common interests, someone I can comfortably talk to… The thing is, it’s confidence that allows a person to show off all those qualities naturally. It allows the best parts of you to shine through, and it makes things flow smoothly and comfortably, which I think are really big things.

    • Kama September 28, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

      Kim absolutely I think you have said it so well, so thank you for your comment :)

  15. Harriet Stack September 29, 2012 at 12:00 am #

    What an interesting post and comments! It’s very much about being yourself, feeling that you are enough as you are and actually liking yourself and your own life, isn’t it? Being authentic. Unfortunately it’s not in the interests of advertisers that we really understand this – they like to prey on insecurities and the promise that a certain product or service will give us whatever it is we are missing. So, the message we get, whether we buy the product or service or not, is that we are not good enough. We need to see past those messages!

    • Kama September 29, 2012 at 12:13 am #

      Thank you Harriet, I agree we do need to see past those messages. It would be so lovely if the advertising world shifts in to this mode. When we believe in who we are we want for less though, so I guess that wouldn’t work very well in the retail world? Hmm that has me pondering :)

  16. Amethyst Mahoney September 29, 2012 at 5:04 am #

    People who are confident are definitely more sexy. However, I have found true inner confidence when I buy jeans that actually fit instead of trying to squeeze into something too small with the resulting muffin top! :-)

    Confidence is also being okay with yourself regardless of the size on the tag.

    • Kama September 29, 2012 at 5:09 am #

      Absolutely Amethyst. If I am seeing a client who wishes to loose weight and is not feeling confident then I suggest buying one outfit that fits them perfectly now, so they feel good now. I have been guilty of the “must have a size 8 or I am not worthy” inner speech. Not helpful at all. So that is a really good point Thank you :)

      • Amethyst Mahoney September 29, 2012 at 6:27 am #

        I put off buying bigger pants for a while because I know this happens. As soon as I bought them, you guessed it – 5 days later I could pull them off without unbuttoning them! :-P

        • Kama September 29, 2012 at 6:52 am #

          Isn’t that just the oddest thing. I imagine it is because we are not then so focussed on losing the weight. We buy the new pants, they fit, we feel comfortable, we are no longer so focused on loosing weight and … we lose it! Letting go, that’s the secret :)

  17. Rochelle September 29, 2012 at 4:17 pm #

    Such an amazing suite of comments to follow!

    And yes, true confidence = sexy!

    The day we learn how to balance our inner and outer beauty is the day that our true confidence radiates for all around us to see. Friends, lovers and soul mates flock.

    It was a blessed day when I came to this realisation.

    • Kama September 29, 2012 at 5:56 pm #

      Thank you for your comment Rochelle. It is a great feeling isn’t it. When we find that balance, life just seems to flow, the most amazing people are drawn to us and we notice them. Best of all we allow them in to our lives :)

  18. Andrea Feinberg October 9, 2012 at 1:52 am #

    Wonderful question! Since our perception of sexiness resides in the brain, it’s hard to know how that organ will interpret visual or behavior cues of others to say this is sexy and this is not. However, personally, I’ll agreed that confidence in self – as long as it doesn’t tip the scales to arrogance – is one of the features I personally find attractive.

    • Kama October 9, 2012 at 4:30 am #

      Great comment Andrea, It is all about perception isn’t it.

    • OvernightEssay October 29, 2012 at 2:11 am #

      agree with Kama – absolutely wonderful comment!! I totaly share this your point of view.

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